Saturday, August 07, 2010

Old Man Zombie

The temperature read 93. degrees on the digital letters outside the bank. I was sitting at the light turning onto Van Nuys from Ventura when I noticed an old man crossing the street. He was moving very slow and with a bit of a limp. From behind me two Angelinos with hard ons honked their horns as if I should run the old timer down. Just than he heard the horns and I don't think he knew exactly where they were coming from. He abruptly stopped, lifted his head and let out a sound to no one in particular.

The sound was something like..."UUUUHHHGHHHHARGHHH"!

His right art went up half way and stopped and jabbed at the sky like a De La Hoya punch recreated by an injured bird.

At that point his mouth sort of opened....and it dawned on me.

The limp...

the sounds...

He looked like a Zombie.

My next thought was how sad it is that at the time of our lives when we have the least amount of actual time our bodies are so slow.

Point taken cruel God.

Maybe when he summoned the strength to lift his arm and yell it was not at the drivers but at God for stranding him in a body that was so slow with an arm that only worked half of the time. I couldn't blame him either way. 

The man made his way to the curb one tiny step at a time. Giving me a minute to ponder the debate between Zombies that run and Zombies that walk. I don't know what you do when you are sandwiched between an old timer who's every step actually makes clock hands in a 20 mile radius move backwards and pissed off Valley dwellers who are in a hurry to get back to their Bungalow style apartments and crank the AC and smoke a fatty and forget their shit job in an office in Hollywood and cry themselves to sleep because they lost their dreams of becoming an actor and all they have left is the local theater gig where they are doing a bit part in a Shakespeare play that they don't really like but it's okay because someday they will become a big star, look at George Clooney he really didn't get big until he was older. As night falls they listen to the hum of the AC and they keep saying to themselves.


I like both running Zombies and walking Zombies for different reasons. I like fast ones because it's scary to think that someone that wants to eat your brain like tofu ice cream is running after you like they want to qualify for the Olympics. It's just freaky. I am also a traditionalist and I do like the idea that they are slowly coming for you. In such great numbers that speed doesn't matter. Eventually we will get to you and when we do...CARNE!

On the other hand if I had a choice between old people who could run and old people that walk I would no doubt choose old people that run. I'd love to see thousands of old people running down Ventura with the Chariots of Fire theme mashed into a techno beat playing behind them. You would see them passing the cars punching the honkers. Jumping little dogs. Grabbing In and Out Burgers. Generally kicking ass and running like it was the end of their lives. I guess for some it is....or will be soon.

The old man takes his final step and pulls onto the curb.

I turned onto Van Nuys and made my way to the Mexican restaurant.

I needed a burrito.


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