Friday, May 30, 2008

Talky Fuck At Starbucks

You know the guy I’m talking about.

He carries a lot of gear that makes you wonder if he is homeless or just plain ole’ eccentric.

He often wears a cowboy hat and likes lots of jewelry and or some sort of feather. May even confuse matters with a lap top of some sort.

He holds the staff of Starbucks hostage with endless tales of bizarro conspiracy crapola.

Fave subjects:

Random factoids.

How hot it is outside and how it got that way.

Mindless chit chat. Heavy on the chit…a whole lot of chat!

How this Starbucks used to be a Laundromat.

The only thing this character loves more than a Starbucks employee is a college student who is too polite to tell him to fuck off or take a long walk off a short pier.

He loves to find people who are reading. Or drawing. Or even chatting with a friend.

This gives him the opportunity to find an “in” into a conversation.

“I used to draw”…

“great book…what’s that all about.”

Or worse yet….

He listens in on your conversation and feels the need to comment.

This guy will move from spot to spot in the Starbucks until everyone has left.

He will than retire to the outside tables where he will harass walkers by and beg for cigarettes.

Known turn offs for the Talky Fuck.

The thousand yard stare.

You can’t talk to someone who looks like they are trying to forget their tour of Nam.

Talk when he does. When he speaks talk over him. The more random the better.

If you are lucky. It may throw him off your scent.

When he sits down near you. Say “I’m saving that for my study group”.
He may make a fuss but by the time he realizes the study group is not coming you
Are one Frappacino and a good book away from making your exit unmolested.

I know some of you may think I’m a real shit for putting this lonely soul on blast.

It’s selfish to want to enjoy my time and $3 coffee with out interruption.

I won’t hold a grudge.

Tell you what.

Next time he pins you to a corner table and bends your ear with mindless talk from the realm of “I don’t give a shit”.

I’ll be the guy in the corner drawing a comic page. Just give me a wink.

I’ll throw my Iced Carmel Macchiato at the window as a distraction.

It’ll give you time to make a break for it.


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